so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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