slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
