I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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