im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
