Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize