phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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