he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
