Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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