I love black thongs
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
