Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
