just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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