Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Say something about gay babies.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
