you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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