so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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