there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
