im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize