we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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