Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
