I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
