Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Randomize
