it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
