so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
