Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
