I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
