worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
