Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
