This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
