new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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