Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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