i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
