I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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