my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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