I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
