there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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