she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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