lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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