I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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