my mouth tastes like poor choices
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
