I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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