i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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