They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
