6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
