I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
