god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
