Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
