just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
