Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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