i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize