he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
