So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
