I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
