I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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