I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize