Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
