I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
