Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize