after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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