I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize