my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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