Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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