You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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