I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
