I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
